Facial Hair

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It has recently been brought to my attention that my obsession with facial hair (Specifically, my own facial hair... or current lack thereof) could be considered unhealthy. I couldn't disagree more. I feel like the world would be a much better place if we all embraced facial hair. My facial hair.

This actually brings me to another point. I believe that only those who look good with facial hair should grow it... and those with hideous facial disfigurements... like Abraham Lincoln (I heard somewhere that he grew his beard because a girl wrote him a letter telling him that he would look better with one. And she was right. Have you ever seen a picture of that man without his beard? I shudder to think of it now. The horror! The horror!).

Anyway, the reason I've added this little disclaimer, stating that only those who look good with facial hair should grow it, is because there is this guy in my ward who has a mustache that really looks hideous on him. It actually drives me to distraction. I am going to attempt to describe his face so that you can get an idea of what I'm talking about. So, he has really dark hair and a fair complexion (Two traits that aren't necessarily bad). Couple these with a slightly receding hairline (A malady that I suffer from as well. I'm not trying to poke fun mind you), a kind of a short face with a thin upper lip, and sort of a beak nose that comes down to a point, hovering just above the lip line. Ok, you got that picture? Now imagine a man with this face holding a pencil between his nose and upper lip. Now replace the pencil with a fuzzy black french fry. Do you see my point?. I'm sure that he is a nice guy and everything. All I'm saying is that the mustache needs to take a permanent leave of absence, that's all.

But what do we do about guys like this? Should I just walk up to him some day and say, "Dude. I don't know how else to tell you this, but you look like the sort of guy who drives around in a panel van claiming to have candy coated puppies with that moldy bit of yarn protruding out of your nostrils like that. Have you ever considered getting it waxed... or fumigated?"? I'm sure that his wife would bake me a plate of brownies filled with hundred dollar bills if I were to pursue such a course, but alas, I don't think that I could bring myself to do it. It would be like kicking a candy coated puppy.

But what was I talking about? Oh yeah; my beard. So here is the thing. Up here at school, they don't allow any facial hair beyond sideburns that don't extend past the earlobe or onto the cheek and a mustache that doesn't extend past the corners of the mouth. I understand the reasoning behind it. They want a campus full of respectable looking young people. If beards were allowed here, pretty soon sightings of Grizzly Adams, Jeremiah Johnson, Jerry Garcia, and Sasquatch would increase dramatically (I have kind of an unhealthy obsession with Sasquatch too. Perhaps I'll lend more attention to the subject at a later date). The thing of it is though, a lot of guys don't look half bad with a nice, well groomed beard. It's the "Patchbeards" and the "Grizzly Adams" that have ruined it for the rest of us. Hence I am forced to have a clean shaven face while matriculating.

Wow! I just had the best thought about the "Patchbeards"! We all know these guys, right; The perpetual adolescents who feel that it is their mission in life to look manly? They fall into the same phylum as the species "Combover". Both of these guys are trying to be something that they clearly are not (Isn't it funny that they both suffer from a follicular deficiency? I wonder if there is something to that). In the case of the Combovers, you have men who are trying to hold on to something that they once had (Namely, their youth), and in the case of the Patchbeards, you have young men who are trying to force the world to see them as mature. I wonder how many Patchbeards grow up to become Combovers.

Ok, so what is the point of all these miscreant ramblings? I don't really know. All I know is that I liked my beard and I miss it like a dear friend (Or is it deer friend... like Sway Belly. I sure miss that guy. *sniff*). I long for the day when my beard and I can be reunited. I've been trying to talk my wife into allowing me to grow a mustache, but even if I managed to convince her, a Cheeto dangling precariously above my lip would hardly be a satisfactroy replacement for the majesty that was my beard.

For all of you who aren't bound by strict grooming standards, I'd like you to do me a favor. Go a few days without shaving, give your wife a prickly kiss, and shed a tear for my beard.

Thank you,


Martell